Dear Minister

If you wanna do it, do it right, that’s what old Georgie Michael always said, and a Greek who hangs out with Elton and is mates with Bonnie Prince Charlie and Kylie Minogue simply can’t be wrong can he?

So wham, bam, Archie’s your man, there’s no wucking furries about that old son.

The money’s a bit light for my liking, but it’s all for the sake of the greater good, hey wot old chap? So I’ll do ya a bloody favour and take the job on, just because you blokes need a bit of fair dinkum talent at the moment, and I’ve always had the wood on De Brenni and can give ya a hand whipping the bugger into shape.

I’m mates with Pyney from up Cairns way too, which might be a bit useful given the current state of play, and me brother in-law used to build bridges in Mosul, so it’s London to a Brick that I’ll come in quite handy right just now.

I’m f*cked if I can be bothered writing a cover letter and a resume – it’d be like Usain Bolt going into training camp for a run-off against Smiles wouldn’t it? – so to save us both time and bother I’ll just give you a heads up by reading you the form up against your wanky selection criteria.

Do you love to write and have excellent communication skills?

Waddya you reckon?

Do you thrive on tight timeframes and looming deadlines?


I dance to the beat of me own drum.

But by jingo, I feed the chooks every morning and arvo, and I bring home bloody good eggs.

Do you have an eye for detail and great proofreading skills?

You’d have to be kidding. That’s what sub-editors and Bead-Twirlers are for.

What do ya think I am? A pleb or something?

Do you write your own press releases?


Do you have a solid understanding of the Queensland media landscape and political system?

Are you kidding sport? Just look at the scoreboard.

Do you enjoy working as part of a collaborative, high-performing team?

Do you know where I can find one?

And is the Beefcake in the run-on team?

Do you have a talent for writing interesting social media posts that will engage followers?

Is the Pope a pedo-protecting Catholic? 

Fair dinkum, you’d have to be geeing me up wouldn’t you mate?

So there it is son. Too easy. You know it and I know it – there ain’t no body does it better, no better than me. Chaka’ll give you the good oil on that.

But just to make a bird of it – and so ya can tick all the bureaucratic boxes and keep the Mandarins happy – I’ll throw ya a couple of referee.

First up, give old Gorgeous George a call, care of Dyson Heydon or the AFP. They’ve got his number.

Next ya can duck over to Geneva and quiz Helen Clark about how bloody good I am. You’ll find her on the top floor of the UN building next to the lake.

Rudd the Rat will probably try to stand in your way. Just shoulder charge the w*nker and drop him in the drink.

Kevvie’s available at the Zillman Waterholes bar at the Bunger between races most days, and if he’s outside having a fag just ask for Annie. She’ll give you the drum about my staying power, you can count on that, but just don’t let her get too carried away talking about Monday night or you’ll be there for 8 hours.

I was.

And of course you know where to find Honest Rob Pyne, and he’ll talk me up for sure, mark my words young Mark, there’ll be no worries about that.

So there it is son, and don’t bother putting yourself out by setting up an interview, because I’ll give you a leg up and cop the job just as a favor to the Capo.

He’s a f*ckin’ good bloke that one, and given the state of the rest of ya he’ll be Premier in no time at all, take the tip, and if you’ve got a single brain in ya head ya might as well start Brown-nosing up to him right now and without delay.

There’s only one question left then.

When do ya want me to start old mate?

Whenever’s fine by me, and I’ll see ya around lunchtime on the day hey?

Order me a hamburger and a pink lemonade for Brekky thanks, and just make sure ya leave space for an extra zero on the end of the expense claim form.

You’ve nailed a bargain here son, don’t you worry about that.

I’ll break the news to Mum in the morning.