It’s hard not to feel you are living in some parallel universe if you are a follower of Queensland politics right at this moment, and Accidental Anna must have a grin from ear to ear far wider than Peter Beattie could ever muster, even when performing his very best Cheshire Cat imitation.
Because after 166 years the Liberal Party has finally taken over the conservative side of Queensland politics, and in the process played Jesus to the Labor Lazarus lying prone and paralysed in Burnett Lane. I might invite the LNP hierarchy over to Geebung to see if they can perform a similar miracle on Mum.
The ignorant pups from the mainstream media have missed the magnitude of the event, but the installation of Tiny Tim Nicholls to the LNP leadership is the culmination of more than a century of internal power struggles within the conservative political rump, and let me give you the early tip that it is the power play that over time will tear the LNP asunder, and return Queensland to a three party state (with all due or undue respect to the Greens).
There will be cynics who will shout ‘Archie! You’re a bloody idiot! Can D0-Campbell was a Liberal, and he led the LNP’.
They will be the fools who forget that Can-Do was from, but not of, the LNP. Despite his rich family history in the Liberal Party it wasn’t in Queensland, and he simply the soldier turned Tory savior, the strange stranger brought in unnecessarily to secure an election victory against asset-selling Anna Bligh that even a baboon could have brought home.
Perhaps in political terms a baboon did, because only a monkey could have ruined a good thing so fast, and after the loss the real LNP – the die hard National and Liberal Party members and their descendants – couldn’t get Can-Do out the door fast enough, and bazooka last saloon Larry Springborg back into the leadership for yet one more shot.
Last saloon Larry did pretty well too, having learned from his kit bag full of previous electoral failures that his optimal strategy against accidental Annastacia was simply to say and do nothing, and let the lLabor leader dig her own ditch. Which is exactly what he did, and exactly hat she did, and before you could say ‘How do you spell policy’ the ALP government were in more trouble than a mouse in a mincing machine, and the polls had closed up so tight that you couldn’t see the sun shining through the crack in the door.
And then against all semblance of sanity the men and women who couldn’t wait didn’t, and made their move.
And now here we are.
Twenty-seven years after 2 Liberal MP’s and later jailed crooks named Brian Austin and Don Lane did what crooks do – chased the easy dough – and on the promise of ministerial posts crossed the floor of the House Broken Dreams to defect to the National Party, and thus shatter the decades old coalition into a thousand pieces and hand Joh the briefest of reins as the absolute Fuhrer of the Queensland, the Liberals have finally taken their revenge.
They’ve finally got the numbers, and with their eyes closed and their hearts beating hard and their brains shut down, they have made the most unwise decision to use them.
And all of a sudden at almost the exact moment that the polls had tied up and the LNP were back in the game, the sportsfans wake up on Saturday morning to discover that he most loathed man in Queensland politics, the sneering, leering toff from the top end of town Tim Nicholls is the leader of the LNP; and little snot-nosed Scotty Emerson, once one of Rupert Murdoch’s mainstream media truth-trashers, and more latterly the business partner of a bloke presently facing serious criminal charges (see above) – is his Treasurer; and the filly Freckles – feckless Deb Frecklington, the deluded diva who fetes dirty Joh Bjelke-Petersen as a deity – has sold his political legacy and her National Party soul to the Liberals for 30 pieces of silver and the unbridled excitement of becoming the Deputy-Leader who destroys her united party.
I always tell the tin lids that if you don’t know history then grrrlfriends ya just don’t know nuthin’, and it is clear that that these oafish clowns in charge of the opposition circus read too many law books and not enough about their party’s past, for disunity is death, as the two previous collapsed conservative political party mergers in Queensland during the past century have clearly taught those who take the time to learn about them.
But don’t you worry about that.
Steaming ambition over-rides artful strategy ninety nine times out of a hundred in the political game of self-obsession, deluded desire and make-believe, and you only need to take a quick Captain Cook at Kevin Rudd and Tony Abbott to know that what I have just told you is true.
The next time Freckles pops up to Ten-Mile to share a pot of tea and some Pumpkin scones with Flo she might want to ask her what ever happened to her husband’s reign as leader, and how the whole house of cards fell down so far and so fast.
I doubt Flo would know though. After all, she was simply a humble housewife and a Senator. It was Joh who fed the chooks.
Perhaps he’s feeding them still.