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What’s this weird looking thing with the big head Frannie? 

A Melbourne Cup ambassador all-Australian beauty Rachael Finch may well be, but please Francesca just keep her out on the lawn in the Moet & Chandon tent away from the punters please will ya luv?

Oh and btw and just between you and me on the QT, if that other Archie ever falls of his horse or aims his polo stick in the wrong direction I’m happy to give healing your broken heart up in your oldies chalet in the French Alps a burl.

But it’s Rachael I’m worried about right now Frannie not you, although of course you know I’ll always care. The sweet young thing’s understanding of anything that happens outside the fashion parades on Cup Day is absolutely up the Edgar Britt.

In fact the great man – the only living person who ever rode against Phar Lap – just gave us a call and asked us to draw your attention to the stunner’s somewhat over-enthusiastic and optimistic view of the modern-day Cup runner’s stamina, and requested that we set young Rachel straight so that she doesn’t lead the once-a-year TAB speculator who looks to her for advice down the garden path to punting poverty.

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Edgar says that the great Phar Lap may have won 4 races in 7 days at headquarters during the 4 days of the 1930 carnival, including the Big One, and in the process proved himself the greatest horse in history by his feats; but even Big Red only ran around in one race each day, and Edgar quite rightly reckons that Rachael’s got the wrong end of the stick about picking a winner in the four-legged lottery at 2pm on Tuesday arvo when she advises the mug punter:

Certain elements you can factor in (when picking winners): the weather, the weight, what barrier its got the jump from, HOW MANY RACES IT’S RUN THAT DAY….  

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Um, look Franny you and I both know that the gee-gees lining up for a slice of Cup glory only run once on the first Tuesday in November. In fact most of the starters usually don’t run more than a dozen times in the year leading up to the big one, and your old man’s nags normally only run 2 or 3 times in the 12 months before. Mind you, their lack of fitness was probably the reason that they didn’t have the strength left to put their noses in front of the challenger’s as they reached the finish line, but at least they didn’t drop dead from fatigue as a result of going around in the 3rd and 4th races before they took on the 2 miles of the Cup.

Bloody hell Franny, o trainer in the bloody world – not even Mad Larry Pickering or Vo Rogue Vic Rail – would put their nag in another race on the card on the day that it races for $6 million in the Cup.  It would kill the poor buggers, much like being a lecher and a crook curtailed Lazza’s career, and kicking around barefoot with his bare-footed horses knocked over Vo Rogue Vic.

You’ve gotta have a word in Finchy’s ear Franny cos it’s ………

Oh g’day Rachael, Franny and I were just having a chat about the horses lining up in the Cup.

What’s that? Where are they? Huh? Where are what?

Oh the horses! Sorry Rachael, I didn’t know you’d never seen a thoroughbred before; in fact I thought that little tights-wearing hubby who got you knocked up young was a knob jockey, so I assumed he’d have been taking you for rides all over town.

No? He’s not a jockey, he’s a dancer?

I’m a lover not a dancer myself darlin’, but the Bead Twirler’s got first call on this ride so you’ve missed out on a date to Kevvie’s Bunger Cup Ball in the Zillman Waterhole where I could have schooled you over the jumps.

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Cure little Katelyn (right) with 2015 Cup winner Michelle Payne

Never mind though, do you see that little Katelyn Mallyon over there brandishing the whip and wearing spurs and ready to jump on and mount Assign?

Now that’s what you call a fast hors …………….

F*ck Rachael!

You didn’t have to slap me in the face!

No, not fast whore you bloody idiot!Horse! It’s name’s Assign and cute Katelyn’s riding it in the Cup!

I give up. You just stick to the birdcage in your pretty gear and your fascinating hat sweetie, and I’ll look after the betting ring and with a bit of luck I might get the rails run on looking after Francesca too, and then boom, bang, swing! we’ll all be backing winners on Cup Day and don’t you worry about that.

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Edgar may not be riding the fillies these days, but he’s never short of a mare pulling on his reins

Now punters, our tipster in residence Edgar Britt’s a bit long in the tooth for riding fillies like Francesca and Finchy these days – the champ preferring to cavort with aged mares in his Bupa paddock since he retired to stud after knocking up his century- but as a young bloke he once made a career and a few million bucks riding for Queens and Khans in Europe and giving their fillies and colts a whipping on the arse as they came near to the finish line, so its’s fair to say he knows the international form better than most.

It’s his birthday tomorrow – the young fella’s turning 103, Happy Birthday old mate!- and being the good-hearted bloke that he is Edgar wants to tip us all another Cup winner as a present.

So here it is sportsfans, live and exclusive, the giant little man’s good oil for the Big One tomorrow:

  1. Hartnell
  2. Bondi Beach
  3. Oceanographer
  4. Big Orange

Edgar reckons if you box ’em up in the trifecta you’ll be dancing with the bloody stars too.

And that’s no horse Britt.

Happy Cup Day punters! May your mug runneth over with riches, and your next day hangover be kind.