FROM: THE COMMONWEALTH DEPARTMENT OF BDS&M (SENSATIONALISM AND MUCKRACKING DIVISION)
SUBJECT: THE FREEDOM-HATING TERRORISTS THREATENING THE AUSTRALIAN WAY OF LIFE AS PRACTICED IN TEXAS AND ADVERSELY AFFECTING MR MURDOCH’S PROFITS
My Darling Peta
Sweetheart the Department of BDS&M has received your classified request for a deep dig for dirt on the suspected terrorist cells operating covertly within the Human Rights Commission and threatening our Sovereign National Security by acting like closet-lefties and criticising the ceaseless efforts to save this country from sin and sinners made 24/7 by our Greatest Ever Prime Minister, code name The Rabbit.
The Office of Prime Minister and Cabinet has in confidence and with confidence advised the Dept of BDS&M that it
suspects is certain that the HRC has been infiltrated by members of the banned Dhu-Ghuda and Inter Feah With Owaplan terrorist organisations.
OPMC further advises that the bleeding-heart, pro-tolerance, Burqa-loving lefties leading these organisations pose are enemies of the state who pose an level 10 threat to national security and the securing of One Nation preferences.
It is our instruction that The Rabbit has ordered all levels of government and non-anti-Australian media outlets to manufacture and mount an intensive propaganda campaign designed to alert the public to the threat and educate them about the terrifying hidden threats created by the infiltration of the HRC , regardless of whether there are any such threats or not.
In the case of the latter The Rabbit advises that the bastards are simply obscuring the true picture, and if required DBDS&M Consultant Director-General Mr Murdoch will serve the national interest as he had done throughout his lifetime by simply making them up.
Peta you tall beautiful creation of God in all his magnificent glory, you have informed us that the hundreds of Arabs, Asians and Eastern’s of all descriptions aged 0-18 that are presently chained and shackled on dirt-floor cells in remote offshore locations have been identified by the OPMC as potential terrorists posing a clear and present danger to the subscriber base of Mr Murdoch’s propaganda broadsheets and tabloids that are used by The Rabbit to circulate misinformation and damage the Green Vote.
In particular the OPMC have identified the risks posed by passport-burning illegal entrants to the burrow aged between the ages 1 and 10, as these future jihadists have more time to learn their trade than the older haters of the Australian Way of Life (AWOL) who attempted to Head East And Dastardly Jihadise Our Bloody Sheilas (HEAD-JOBS)
By use of his Uncannily Fine Observational Skills (UFOS) The Rabbit has determined that rapid advances in technology will result in the certainty that by the time these Preteen Mohammadist Scumbags (PMS) reach the age of 18 they will have developed the capacity to construct Finely Aligned Really Terrible (FART) missiles made from coconuts, leftover phosphate scrapings, salt water and tinned baked beans; and it’s as sure as eggs the little bastards will launch these missiles Containing Rich Aromaed Poo (CRAP) at the Prime Minister’s surf club in North Sydney and scare all the little fish that have migrated south from the
Faced with this apocalyptic-scenario The Rabbit Is Certain Kevin Setup (TRICKS), the OPMS instructs that immediate action is to be implemented to convince The Right-thinking Australian People (TRAP) of the importance to National Security of relocating these Just Ugly Little Ingrate Arab Sh*theads (JULIAS) to Cambodia to protect Liberal-voting Normal People (LNP) from attack by these futuristic weapons of mass flatulence the JULIAS are plotting to launch at Cricket Loving Old White North Sydneysiders (CLOWNS) from their secret underground prison cell terrorist headquarters in Waterboard City, 12 km south from the Capital of Nauru (CON).
Our research suggests that as always The Rabbit is right, even when he pretends to be wrong, as our expert scientitific team led by Professor John Frinke Jr have identified that if JULIAS mixed with PMS to secure any form of education or medical treatment these Tricky Actors Diving Perniciously Overboard Leaky Estonian Ships (TADPOLES) have a Devilish Intented Scheme To Rudely Enter Sydney’s Schools (DISTRESS) so that they may become mosque-going doctors, scientists, engineers, teachers, journalists and politicians, and thus do us all out of a job.
The Department of BDS&M concur with the OPMC security assessment finding that Australia simply cannot afford the risk of this type of education and professional career opportunity being afforded to these highly-dangerous pint-sized prisoners, who are certain to continue along the criminal paths that led them to flee from the armed forces in their countries of origin and bring terrorism to our shores, or close enough anyway (how far actually is Nauru from Australia Ms Credlin? Oh, it’s classified is it? Never mind then)
In summary, we cannot trust these F*cking Obviously Ungrateful Little Pakistani Laotian And Yemeni Illiterate No Good (FOUL PLAYING) Screaming Conniving Untrustworthy Minors Being Arse-f*cked and Gobjobbed Secretly (SCUMBAGS) to respect the zero-disclosure provisions of any future 247 fifteen minute bridging visa that the opposition intend to introduce in order to legally detain the terrorists onshore while the military transport refuels at Amberley Airbase.
As the Prime Minister has so acutely noted, before you can say pants down the criminals will have swapped sex for a mobile phone with a Wilson Security guard, and the next thing you know the Fairfax newspapers will have scandalous stories splashed all over there front page about how these prisoners who were lovingly Read Australian Poetry Each Day (RAPED) and Fed Unlimited Coconut Kit-Kats Every Dinnertime (FUCKED) were somehow victims of a repressive, unlawful regime.
The Rabbit has issued a Prime Ministerial mandate that the terrorists and their lip-wristed supporters in the redundant Human Rights Commission must be eliminated in the same manner that human rights were rendited during the golden years of prosperity Australia enjoyed under the reign of King Little Johnny – swiftly, quietly and effectively.
How many Australian children remember human rights today, or can explain what they once were? Someone? Anyone? No?
Exactly. Let our work begin, and let new testament God be our guide.
1. To expose the shameful dirty terrorist bastards of the HRC who are trying to politicise the asylum seeker issue.
2. To work in partnership with senior journalists familiar with the spin-doctoring process to devise, manufacture and invent information demonstrating to voters that Acts of Parliament ostensibly legislated for the purpose of affording all Australians equality, respect and opportunity are in fact repressive laws introduced by a totalitarian ALP government intent on curtailing individual freedom and imposing repressive limits on citizens liberty.
3. To rewrite Australian history by deleting the words Racial Discrimination Act and replacing them with the words Racially Discriminating Against Average Australians So We Can Increase the Welfare Benefits and Other Already Excessive Entitlements Your Taxes Are Spent On Giving To Aboriginals So That They Get Twice As Much More Than You Act.
4. To develop material to be produced by Mr Murdoch and his minions for the purpose of brainwashing Australians into automatically linking the words detainee, asylum seeker and refugee with terrorist activities.
4. To assist the Office of PMC to shift public opinion regarding funding of the HRC, for the purpose of developing a groundswell of support for cutting the bastards funding, with the aim of eliminating the terrorist-supporting cell and permanently preventing any of its members from holding any role in Australian public life.
5. To expose the anti-Australian activities of members of the HRC. In the absence of same, to repeatedly distort reality and facts for the purpose of creating in the public eye a clear association between HRC members and Saddam Hussein, Gadaffi, Bob Brown, Paul Keating and the Anti-Christ.
Our researchers have created profiles of the leading members of the HRC freedom-haters terrorist cell for release to vetted and affirmed supporters of The Rabbit.
DBDS&M recommends that this research is released immediately to Mr Murdoch and his appointed General Mischief Maker-in-Chief Mr Doubting Thomas.
We further recommend that the security classification ‘Don’t Show to That D*ckhead Turnbull’ is applied to this file.
Professor Gillian Triggs
Appointed by: The Witch
A bloody lefty from way back, this expert with a PHD in Territorial Sovereignty thinks she’s something special just because her old man destroyed Rommel’s army in Africa during the war. Big bloody deal. Tony played front row for the Manly Colts – now THAT’S an achievement.
Triggs has spent a lifetime bludging around the hallowed halls of academia rubbing shoulders with long-haired hippies, so is it any wonders she wants to rip the whole joint down? She can have as many fancy titles as she likes – Dean of the Faculty of Law and Challis Professor of International Law at the University of Sydney; or Director of the British Institute of International and Comparative Law – but know her type don’t we Dr David Kemp?
When she’s not burning incense and jabbering on about peace and love, we know, and so do you now readers – that Trigg’s cuddling up to blokes in wigs in the profession populated by people with a publicly known preponderance for barber shop chairs.
Yep, that’s right, she’s another bleeding Barrister who used to plant her rump in a barber’s chair in a chamber in the same building as the likes of those well-known red raggers Dyson Heydon and his sidekick Stoljar, the pair of progressive piss-ants currently showing their true crimson colours by going so soft on the lefty commies at the Royal Commission.
Verdict: A lefty hater and wrecker for sure. Probably even a commie.
Susan Ryan AO – Age and Disability Discrimination Commissioner
Appointed by: The Witch
A picture tells a thousand words, and this one of Ryan (centre) with well-known subversive Germaine Greer and the wife of 1970’s terrorist leader Whitlam says everything Abs need to know about Ryan.
Beware of this one, she’s the real deal in the Socialist department and one of the original Reds under the Beds. Abs knows her well because she used to be the Deputy-Chair of the Australian Republican Movement, which puts in her Malcolm, and we all know what that means don’t we? ENEMY.
Ryan might mask her past by trumpeting her chairmanship of the private sector NRMA and IAG superannuation funds, her ex-hubby might have been the Aussie hero who brought down Saddam by lying about him having Weapons of Mass Destruction, but can never trust anyone who was a Minister in the Hawke Government?
Nup. She may hold an Order of Australia Medal, but once a socialist, always and a socialist. And Abs enemy’s friend is his bloody enemy, and God Save the Bloody Queen because nothing can save this b**ch if Abs ever gets her alone in a dark alley.
Verdict: Public Enemy Number One
Appointed by: Kev the Rat
(a) Comes from Queensland, so it’s London to a brick he voted against Campbell and Tim; and
(b) Has form for advocating mass jail breaks; and
(b) Advocates for the recognition of the rights of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people in Australia, and seeks to promote respect and understanding of these rights among the broader Australian community.
We can’t bloody have that, can we? What about the intervention? Doesn’t selling more piss in the Darwin and Alice Springs mean anything to these socialists? Next thing you know they’ll be wanting a Treaty.
Verdict: A dangerous subversive with a radical political agenda. Put him on National Security watch.
(What’s that? He already is? They all are? Oh, give us a listen to the tapes will ya?)
Appointed by: The Witch
Teacher, Psychologist, Policy Wonk, Bureaucrat. CEO of the Australian Council of Social Services.
Say no more.
Verdict: A Bleeding-Heart opposed to banning burqas and black listing boats. Another one trying to pull it all down.
Elizabeth Broderick – Sex Discrimination Commissioner
Appointed by: Sir John Howard
He mother was a physiotherapist and her old man a Nuclear Physician, and we all know what an explosive mix of leftist chemicals that is. Looked the goods early on when she was a partner at the union-bashing Ashurst laws firm, but went off the rails and turned into a hairy legged feminist, probably under the influence of radical types like Pru Goward.
Led the charge to bring sheila’s into the officers ranks of the Army; started spruiking affirmative action at the ASX; now tied up with International Socialism with paid gigs at the World Bank and NATO.
Hubby’s an investment banker. Must be a soft c**t otherwise he’s pull her into line. Might slip him Bovver’s number for a few tips.
Verdict: Traitor who left the team to become bandleader of the hairy armpit brigade. Has a single aim of women taking over the world and doing blokes like Abs over. Never turn your back on this one.
Dr Tim Soutphommasane – Racial Discrimination Commissioner
Appointed by: Kev the Rat
This clown’s another wanky academic that reckons New Australians can love Australia as much as blokes who love Bradman, or played prop for the Manly Colts. He’d had to be f**king kidding wouldn’t he? As the picture shows our uniformed boys have been keeping a close on him for some time now.
Where was his family when Straight Draw won the Cup? Not in bloody Australia that’s for sure. So who the hell is he to lecture Abs on ‘liberal patriotism’? What would this bloke, whose names Abs couldn’t even pronounce, know anything about what it is to be Australian? I reckon that if his mob had the chance they would be sending Aussie boys to die in trenches in godforsaken bloody Muslim lands like Syria.
“A love of country should be valued alongside tolerance, mutual respect and public reasonableness as a civic virtue.”
Verdict: Lock him up.
Editor’s note: Anthony John Abbott was born in London on 4 November 1957, the day before Straight Draw upset Tulloch to win the cup. His family also missed the Cup wins of Baystone and Macdougal.
Abbott arrived in Australia by boat in 1960, on a ship was named the Oronsay. Fifteen years later, a month before Gough Whitlam’s dismissal, the Oronsay was sailed to Kaohsiun in Taiwan and scrapped in a steel yard owned by the Nan Feng Steel Enterprise company.It was later returned to Australia as a cheap watch with a paper-thin gold veneer, and stamped ‘Made in Taiwan’.
An English warmonger named Winston Churchill – ironically born in a place named Woodstock – sent young Aussie boys to die in an ill-fated battle in a Muslim land. The country was named Turkey; the killing fields as Gallipoli. Lest We Forget.
Tim Wilson – Human Rights Commissioner
Appointed by: His Highness The Rabbit
This prick. The asshole of the century. Our f**king man.
A ‘classic liberal public policy analyst’.
‘Passionate. Controversial. Fearless’.
With the benefit of hindsight it all was a bloody giveaway wasn’t it? And all the crap he spouted like the stuff in the picture was just that, crap.
Why did we ever put our faith in a fairy? They’re all soft inside.
But bloody George insisted he’d be ok didn’t he? Why the hell we ever trusted a Greek when it came to a bloke who likes it Greek I’ll never know. It only took him about 5 minutes to turn on George too didn’t it?
‘My amazing partner Ryan’. Jesus Christ!
So we give this horses hoof, who looked the goods at the IPA, half a chance and what does he do? Get’s a case of Stockholm Syndrome and decides to run with the lefties, who cuddle up to him and bloody Ryan. We should have known when he resigned from the party shouldn’t we?
This blokes got nothing between his shoulders and his ass except a t-shirt. He was supposed to sort them all out and now he’s the star act on the front float at Mardi Gras.
Verdict: Abs says to tell him that he’ll never give in, never surrender, and never forget. This queer’s card is marked.
Editor’s note: This piece is written firmly tongue in cheek as a satirical send-up. Those looking to score points against the author will be disappointed to learn that he despises sectarianism, misogyny, racism, homophobia and bigotry of any kind; and fears for the mental well-being of those who hold beliefs of this nature or practice any such brain-death-like behaviour.