sbw

 

Sonny Bill Williams  never ceases to amaze us all with his spectacular sporting feats in so many different sporting fields, Boxing, Rugby League, Rugby Union, Sevens Rugby – you name it, SBW has excelled in it – and

He’s won the World Boxing Association International Heavyweight Champion at only his 6th professional fight; he’s won everything there is to win in New Zealand and international rugby – Ranfurly Shield, ITM Cup, a couple of Sevens championships, a Super Rugby Championship, the Bledisloe Cup, and 2 Willy Webb Ellis’s, otherwise known as Rugby World Cups; he hasn’t won an Origin match, but only because he wasn’t eligible to play, but Sonny Bill has won a couple of minor premierships and also two premierhips (with different teams), and at different times has been officially named as the best player in the world in codes. Oh, and did I mention that he was an Olympian?

It’s a remarkable – nay, incredible – record and he’s the only bloke in history who’s ever held it, simply because no bastard’s ever been able to win in all of these fields before. There have been some great sportsman in the past – Snowy Baker and Keith Miller are two that spring immediately to mind – but they competed more than half a century ago in the amateur era when talented sportsman often played across different codes. The introduction of professionalism changed this as those paying the players began demanding they pay their full-time attention to the sport they were contracted to play, and although a few all-rounders fought the tide – Max Walker (AFL/Cricket), Brian McKechnie (NZ Cricket/Rugby) and Jeff Wilson (same)  are 3 ready examples – in the past 20 years multi-talents like these have all-but disappeared, which makes Sonny’s achievements all that more amazing.

snowy

SBW’s simply a freak, the type of sporting genius that every kid in Geebung dreams at night of becoming, and who their fathers secretly yearn to be, a record maker and breaker of the ilk that we haven’t seen for decades and are unlikely to see for decades more. In fact Sonny’s so talented that if he picked up a tennis racket in one hand, and a cricket bat in the other, a smart punter would take even money that he’d soon have a Wimbledon Trophy and an old urn containing The Ashes sitting on the pool room trophy shelves at his joint, keeping all his other trophies and medals company.

Add Sonny Bill’s sporting genius to his physical appearance – the missus reckons he has a body to die for (what’s wrong with mine ya wandering eyed cow?), and even the footy-hating Tattooed Teen reckons he’s ‘total eye candy’ – and then throw in the fact that as he’s matured SBW’s turned into nature’s gentleman, off and on the field , and you have pretty close to the complete package as far as gold medalists in the sport of ‘Pick up the Hottest Chick in the Room’ goes, if it was a game Sonny Bill chose to play.

Thankfully though he doesn’t punters, otherwise our lot would be the same as that of the bloke who ran 4th in the 100m in Rio. We may not win a medal or the girl, but still every bugger across the globe will know our name.You do already. Here’s a hint:

Q: What’s the name of the fella who ran 4th in the 100m in Rio? .

A: ‘No f*cking idea’.

I can hear you saying it from here. It’s a funny name alright but ask your workmates the same question over curried egg sangas and cordial in the lunchroom this arvo and you’ll quickly see how well known the bloke is. Very. Just like we would be if we were standing side by side with SBW in a room chatting to Megan Gale. Even if we introduced ourselves 100 times to the supermodel and Sonny Bill didn’t say a word, if anyone asked her his name she’d give it to them straight off the bat; if they asked Ms Gale ours her reply would be simply ‘No f*cking idea’. It’s no running fourth, that’s for bloody sure.

mens-olympic-100m

So it was the best news ever not just for me but for fellas everywhere when Rampaging Rupert Murdoch’s daily NSW newspaper The Telegraph told us in a lead story on their website all day Sunday the news 14 million men in Australia and New Zealand alone had been waiting to hear.

Sonny Bill’s gay.

He’s married to a bloke named Alan.

The word is that he calls him Big Al. Lucky Sonny if it’s true. Even luckier us.

You f*cking beauty! You could hear the celebratory cry go up across the Wide Brown Land, although across the ditch the Kiwi males didn’t seem quite as chuffed. In fact unconfirmed reports said that sop many SBW posters were ripped down cuzzy bro’s study, dunny and pool room walls that they had to clear an extra space at the dump to accommodate them.

They’re funny bastards aren’t they these Kiwis? In these modern, progressive times their attitudes to sexuality seem stuck in the dark ages, a throwback to Nazi times when homosexuals were sent to the gas chambers for the crime of simply being in love with another bloke. Being gay of course is not a crime at all, but rather something very normal and it has been since the days when Sodom fought Gomorrah over 15 three minute rounds for the Old Testament Heavyweight title belt (it ended up a draw).

It’s so normal in fact that half the bloody Nazi’s shouting ‘Pillow Biter! Poof!’ as they sent the poor buggerers to the chamber were gay themselves, which is a fact that our poorer cousins over the other side of the Tasman don’t seem to have grasped, otherwise they would have legalised same-sex marriage just like we have.

kkk

‘What’s that Dad? I’ve got it the wrong way around? It’s them not us who have given same-sex marriages equal status with male-female unions? Are you sure? Oh, sh*t!’

Oops, sorry about that sportsfans, someone must have spiked my bloody pink lemonade down at the Bunger tonight. Here’s me thinking that Sonny and Big Al probably tied the knot at Australia’s most important historical site – the Big Pineapple – but it must have been at New Zealand’s premier tourist site instead, the Big Kiwi in Eketahuna.

Either way though, Sonny’s as much of a record breaker off the field as he is on it, and knows how to pick a doubles partner too, for he and hubby his Big Al – who’s obviously a modern sort of spouse, because he’s kept his father’s name rather than adopting his Mum’s maiden name or taking Sonny Bill’s – have together just set a new world record mark in the sport of Obstetric Delivery.

Big Al Bill Williams, husband of Sonny, has become the first bloke in the history of the world to ever give birth to a natural child!

It’s bloody amazing sportfans, absolutely ‘O’ for ‘Orseome’ for those kiddies across the sea. Baby Aisha’s got two Dads!

Can you bloody believe it?

Of course you can, it was in the Telly!

Uncle Rupert never lies!

So yes it’s confirmed, Sonny’s done it again, he’s broken yet another record. The Catholics and their twins from the Falun Gong are probably screaming the Cathedral and the Chinatown mall down, the women will be wailing and sobbing, and I hear that the Right to Lifers are presently meeting to reconsider their position on abortion.

But every bloke in the Anzac alliance is walking around with a huge smile on dial today, for they’ve received the best news of all. Alana Raffie’s back in the ‘Pick Up the Hottest Chick in the Room’ game. And now that Big Al’s had the baby SBW is ineligible to play.

lana

Alana may be hot, but Sonny reckons Big Al’s hotter

I went out for a beer at the Brekky Creek on Sunday arvo to celebrate, and overheard this conversation at the bar.

“Hey man, did you read about that dude who gave birth to a little girl? A guy named Alan, he’s married to some Kiwi called Sonny Bill Williams. Ever heard of him”

‘Wasn’t he that bloke who finished fourth in the Olympics bro?’

“Nah, that dudes name was Rupert. C’mon man, who’s this Sonny Bill?”

‘No f*cking idea’.