Yesterday we heard from a Police Commissioner who couldn’t differentiate between a horse trainer and a horse trafficker, or correctly identify his Queensland-based Kiwi crims; today we get a dose of a Deputy Premier who seems to believe putting the clock forward an hour allows city dwellers to deposit sunshine into their Commonwealth Bank issued piggy banks, but only when the moon’s asleep.

I wonder what the interest rate on daylight savings is? Better than darkness savings I reckon, but I guess we’ll never know for sure because in the interests of governing for all Queenslanders – or at least the 15% who don’t want daylight saving

Ya gotta love the leaders of the Pineapple Land don’t ya?

After all, in what other State or fiefdom in the world would you find sticks of straw  on the internet? Scientific straw particularly, the rare type that produces polls so accurately that the editor of your sole daily newspaper feels compelled to report on them as if they are definitive evidence of public opinion rather than a thousand or so folks with good mobile coverage clicking yes on an internet survey.


Queensland’s new ballot papers that are being introduced at the next election

Ya have to love our politicians too, particularly the breed like Jackie Trad who have spent so long in the one-way (in) glass towers inhabited by the beneficiaries of political patronage that she believes democracy to be a sham, governing for the majority of those who elected her ridiculous, and bold leadership on issues yesterday’s news.

In most parts of the world with a democratic system of representative government when 85% of the punters  in a faux poll say they want a light on the hill during summer in the form of daylight saving, the pollies say how bright do you want it and how high do you want us to build it?

In Queensland our leaders like the Jacker of all Trades (Unions, as long as they’re in the left faction) and mistress of none asks ‘will the bright light keep the little old lady in Isisford (pop. 262) awake?


The working-age population of Isisford flow into Clancy’s for smoko after the morning PT drills

And when the little old lady, who is so old and afflicted by dementia that she has forgotten her own name, says that it will upset her pet cow Clueless, former factional hacks turned safe seat holders declare the light on the hill a menace, and put the wants of Careless the Cow and her nameless geriatric owner ahead of the other 4 million or so sportsfans who wouldn’t mind an extra hour of daylight at the end of the day in which they could spend some time in the cricket nets or at the netball hoop with their tin lids after they have landed on the front doorstep after their 2 hour commute from their desk in the Internet Straw Advisory Board call center in Queen Street to their Bampot Buiders constructed affordable housing kit home that cost 3/4 of a million bucks in Burpengary or on the floodplains of the Logan River.

Jacker’s policy is called Governing For All Queenslanders, which is a fancy name for running the show by avoiding policy at all costs and substituting doublespeak inanities in its place. There will be absolutely no rocking the boat while young Jacker is flicking her hair at reporters on the upper floor of the soon to be cactus parliamentary annex housing the mediocrities who make the big decisions – or not, as the case may be – because policies make for debate, and debate makes for dissent, and dissent polarises punters, and polarised punters are apt to pick sides, and the side they pick may not be Jacker’s, and that’s bad news for all Queenslanders because if they don’t pick Jacker they will be left with an asset-selling, mates appointing, public-service reducing conservative government let by a bloke named Can Do rather than a bird named Won’t.

And that’s bad news for everyone, in particular Jacker, for then she won’t have a real job for the first time in her uber-privileged life, or a chauffeur, or a platinum-plated Amex embossed with the words Just Say No, or a private jet to fly all over the place on, or even an office in a condemned building, for she will have been condemned to the dustbin of history and you just can’t have that.

So policies become like pterodactyls – extinct – and quite rightly so, because in the Pineapple Land all that matters is jobs.


Queensland’s new coat of arms, a symbol both of our government’s collective intelligence and its innovative and progressive policy platform  

Jobs, jobs, jobs.

That’s what good government is all about, don’t you worry about that, and thanks to sterling work of the Queensland Police- whose long-time leader never quite grasped the importance of identification of bad eggs, but arrested some from time to time regardless – and their brilliant groundbreaking new principal investigative strategy of waiting for an imprisoned slave to break free and fly across the bonnet of a squad car being driven by a pie-munching trainee constable on his way to the TAB ten minutes after clocking on for duty, Jacker and her hard-working crew of Queensland public teat tweakers and troughers have just this very morning only 15 minutes after closing the monthly caucus meeting with a mandatory triple play of all hold-hands hokey pokey created 57 new jobs for layabouts willing under threat of imprisonment to roll up their sleeves and work a leisurely 105 hours per week cold-calling sleeping punters to wake them up at 5am so that they can experience the joy of breathing Jacker’s rarefied air.

Jobs, jobs, jobs, that’s what this Queensland Government is all about!

Of course you couldn’t trust all these daylight savings loving ice pipe suckers,  bong bashers, schooner scullers, lazy layabouts and wasted wastrels to adopt the head down, arse up, can do attitude of the pioneers who made this State the great policy free wasteland that it is . We’re talking here of course about the great Queenslanders of yesteryear like the Kanakas, who were prepared to give back to the Pineapple Land what we gave them, to heft a Cairns constructed sledgehammer over their handcuffs and shuffle off to the cane fields in their Australian made shackles to put in a hard days yakka with a pick all day for no pay, as all the while they sung praise to the politicians who bravely introduced the multicultural policy of blackbirding that gave them the opportunities that so many whingers in western democracies never had the chance to enjoy.


Does anyone truly believe these hard-working Queensland slaves need an extra hour of sunshine?

Forget all about an extra hour of sun in the Sunshine State Queenslanders, for it will only make you want to drink more water, and we don’t have any, it’s all been allocated to Indian miners so that they can fertilize the sweeping plains with nourishing coal seam gas compost. Don’t get too attached to playing outdoors with your kids either, because at 6.30 next Sunday night Jacker and Slashers are going to sell those non-core, non-income producing assets that misguided plebs still to this day insist on calling a consortium of Ponzi scamming Pakistani’s from Karachi for a song.

Don’t you worry about any of that Pineapple Landers, don’t you worry about anything at all, because Jacker’s got a plan to create jobs and when it’s introduced at 2 o’clock on Thursday week queues at Queensland dole offices will be but bitter memories of the State’s dark past,.just like policy development and penalty rates.

Who needs any of them anyway when you have a tried and true solution to simultaneously slash dole -queues, stimulate business growth, and make every bugger forget all about sunshine and savings. It worked perfectly for Pig-Iron and kept him in power for decades, and it will work just as well for Jacker’s re-election prospects too. Why, Jacker’s genius job creation strategy will even cut the pension bill, slash hospital waiting lists, stimulate the funeral services industry and stem public servant superannuation payouts too, leaving all the more money to be pinched from the reserve fund and redirected into priming the marginal seat pumps.

Ladies and Gentleman, please stand and applaud for the first policy introduced by the Palaczszuk government in centuries! Give the government a great big hand! Stand and cheer as I present to you the one, the only, the incomparable initiative introduced by the only mob interested in governing Queensland for all Queenslanders, or those still alive after three years neatly dressed in crisply starched Khaki at least.

People of the Pineapple Land, on behalf of our Absent Premier Annastacia Jacker proudly presents to you –