So I get appointed to the top job at Microsoft. Well. no I don’t, Bill Gates head hunts me for the job and tells the other directors of the company that I’m if they want to do it they need to do it right – ‘Right?’ – and that I’m their man. They nod their heads, as they’re wont to do, and I get the gig.

Microsoft requires a mob to go and knock on doors to find out what the net-surfing punters think about the new Windows 10 (anecdotal feedback is that everyone over the age of 30 hates it like poison). There are a million and three door-knocking outfits out there, but someone in the door knocking department knows my missus runs one of them, and putting together a tender offer is a pain in the arse anyway, so they give her a ring and offer her outfit the contract – which is worth a lazy $200k – and they accept, and Bob’s your bloody uncle.

The missus comes home and tells me that her nine to fivers are going to be knocking the doors to find out what the mugs think about the new operating system, and I look up from the race form and say ‘good onya luv, that’ll keep ya busy’. It never occurs to me to say mmm, I’m running the whole windows show darling and perhaps its not that great a look that we’re giving you a contract like this under the table, and people might start to ask awkward questions. Why would I? She’s been copping contracts like this from mobs that I’ve been in charge of for years, and it’s never been a problem before.

But some third rate writer that nobody reads writes an article about me, the missus and the contracts, and by some f*cked up twist of fate somebody actually reads it, probably one of those bloody ,ministers the writer used to smoke bongs and drop happy pills with in their younger days as lawyers or union hacks – I told Bill to keep the lefties sidelined, but the other bloody Bill decided to take all his cash before he carks it and go fishing, and the young bloke he passed the baton to f*cked it all up – so anyway, now the boss knows.

I get hauled into Bill’s office and he’s not happy. In fact he’s ropeable, and rips and strips three-quarters of a million shreds off me, one for every dollar of the missus’ contracts.  I just stand their in front of Bill’s desk and cop it, because I’m not bloody stupid – even though right at this moment I feel it: whoever thought that anyone would read that mad blogger’s crap? – and I understand Bill’s angst, because neither of need online help to explain the vista lying there before us.

The XP is that these other bastards led by a Toolman named Tim are silently circling the wagon – rumor is that the cat’s got the Tollman’s tongue, although some say that he’s actually the cat – just waiting for the right moment to launch a hostile takeover of the company, and Bill and I and everyone in Microsoft know that they’re only one short of the numbers on the board to do so. Any little f*ck up we make and the raiders are in the Gates, through the Windows and breaking down the Palacz door, and if they crack the operating system we’re all f*cking Gonzo, so this is megabyte serious Mum.

So I stand there and cop the defragging from Bill, and when he’s downloaded all his anger he sits up straight on the Palacz throne and says D-YOG  – that’s what he calls me, it’s short for dig your own own grave, and sound sorta hip and cool and appeals to the younger generation, or at least that’s what the missus’s Microsoft funded focus groups tell us anyway, although I prefer just plain Dave – I’ve had a chat to the cistern analysts and they’ve dumped us an Alan-line fix to avoid the system crashing.

‘You CCC D-YOG’ Bill barks ‘We’re in a bit of binary here’, and I nod my agreement, having learnt how to nod like a marionette from the best of them, they being the senior execs of the company who accompany Bill in PR photos taken out in dos user land.

‘If we let this bloody hacker’s logic bomb go viral  it’ll turn into a time bomb and we’ll be rootkit’ Bill proclaimed.’What we’ve got to do is put up a firewall and convince the trolls that this worm’s nothing but a spear-phishing black hat, and that his updates are simply a denial of service attack. If we play this smart we can re-route this script kiddie and show him up for the Syrian Electronic Army Trojan keyboard warrior that the packet sniffer really is’.

They don’t call Bill a genius for nothing do they dot comma’s?

ccc

A rower went to sea, sea, sea – to see what he could see, see, see – but all that he could see, see, see – was the bottom of the dark black CCC

I’d explain in detail the way we reprogrammed the server through the back door and isolated the bots, but you’d need to be a highly skilled political systems analyst to understand it, so allow me simply to put it in layman’s terms and tell you that I self-referred to Bill’s personally appointed kilt-edged son of a fur pocket (SOAFP) who’d got the gig after doing the CC Cleaning business for Bill – and also his mum Anna and dad Pete -a million megabytes before, and was thus an anti-virus agent you could depend on at a time your fragile system was under a brute force attack.

The SOAFP did a quick scan and declared that the operating system virus free (he wasn’t looking for worms). Then the  Mac signed off to say that Microfsoft WOS all apples; none of my bits were corrupted, and that they might look that way was simply due to spoofing and social engineering by hacktivists on a mission to bring the corporation down.

The system administrator has decided to isolate me from the rumpole@bailey file check as a precautionary measure to ensure that the whalers can’t exploit our top-level vulnerabilities, but notwithstanding any zero day exploitation you can go to bed tonight safe in the knowledge that queensland.com’s system is micro-soft, secure and corruption free. Don’t you worry about that.

Make sure you get a good night’s sleep sportsfans: the missus’s mob will probably be knocking on your door nice and early tomorrow. Tell them you love paying a tenner to get to town on the train that occasionally arrives too will ya? There’s a performance bonus in it for us.

Editor’s note: Non- Microsoft shareholders may find this dictionary useful to understand the technical terms relied on by the Queensland CCC – https://www.dailydot.com/debug/hacking-security-glossary-adware-bot-doxing/