Oi Mr Bailey! Be careful, that’s the orginal copy of Axel’s lyrics for Chinese Democracy!

A couple of weeks ago we published a story about the State Government contracts that had been awarded to a company named The Comms Group.

The reason we took an interest in this particular company is that one of the Directors of the firm is a woman named Pauline Bourke, who just so happens to be the wife of a bloke that we nicknamed Dodgy Dave’ Stewart.

Dodgy Dave is the most senior civil servant in the whole of the Pineapple Land, and heads and runs the the Office of Premier and Cabinet from his position as Director-General. He was appointed to that unadvertised role by Premier Annastacia (Pannacotta) Palaczszuk in her first week on off, and is a  hand picked political appointment.

We discovered by diligent research and dumb luck that The Comms Group had been awarded almost 3/4 of a million dollars worth of State Government contracts since Dodgy Dave had planted his bum in the top seat, and after discovering that the publicly disclosed declaration of interests completed by Mr Stewart only 9 months before made no mention of the potential conflict of interest inherent between his role heading the Government bureaucracy and the award of government contracts to his missus by the latter, the smell of rotten fish suddenly began wafting through the Geebung window.

When we smell fish we always want to know why, because bad smells always get worse if they are not buried immediately. So we started asking the appropriate questions, and when our questions were picked up (appropriated) by the mainstream media the heat started to go on, and given that Dodgy Dave had – in one of the most curious decisions made by an anti-corruption in the history of the world – been placed in charge of deciding which of Minister Mark Bailey’s 30 000 personal emails about government business might me suspect and which might not, the temperature was bound to rise further.

Now you don’t rise to the top of heap in the world of political appointments without being crafty, and the Premier’s man has for years stood at the apex of the slagheap in Labor governments across the land. So Dodgy Dave took immediate, decisive and drastic action to head an inevitable machine-gun spray of questions asked in and out of the House of Broken Dreams off at the pass.

He stood aside and referred himself to the Crime and Corruption Commission before anyone else did.

It was a masterstroke, an abject lesson into how to prevent tricky questions being asked by rendering an issue subjudice and shutting it down. It worked too, in quite miraculous ways, for the CCC conducted the fasted anti-corruption inquiry ever held and didn’t even need to examine documents, contracts and tenders to do it.

Within just 24 hours the CCC declared it was all sweet and that Dodgy Dave was in the clear. Apparently the watchdog with myopic vision had miraculously discovered another declaration of interests that had been made by Dodgy Dave, although they didn’t say when, and on this one he HAD declared his wife’s role and the potential conflict of interest it might create with his own role.

Funnily enough though the CCC refused to make this Dead Sea Scrolls second/third/fourth or whatever Dodgy Dave declaration of interests public, so we and every other media outlet were unable to check the veracity of its existence, take a captain cook at the date stamp on it, or submit it for carbon dating tests to see when Dodgy Dave may have actually completed and signed it.

The sound of Big Moon playing a stripped back acoustic version of ‘Pull the Other One It Jingles’ began to waft across the Zillman Waterholes, and the volume amped up when the CCC announced that although Dodgy Dave was as clean as a baby’s bum, they had decided they’d better pull him off the Bailey investigation  – that he should never have been on in the first place, given that his missus had worked closely with Bailey at the Brisbane City Council only a few years before – so that the public could have confidence in the CCC and the investigation into the Bailey affair that they’d outsourced to a bloke who was a political appointment by the very person with the most to lose should Bailey be forced out of a parliament held by a single seat.

Have you ever heard ‘Pull the Other One’ played at full belt? F*ck its loud, so loud that it’s bass beat kills all the fish in the waterhole.

Gee rotten fish stink when you put them in a big pile on the banks of Downfall Creek.

I’ve just obtained a new set of recent contracts awarded by the Government to Dodgy Dave’s wife Pauline ‘Backa’ Bourke’s company The Comms Team.

A whole bunch of them have been awarded without going out to tender.

The contracts are collectively worth about a million and a half dollars.

Among them are contracts to the value of approximately $1.1 million awarded with tender by the Department of Transport and Main Roads.

Under the Bligh Government Dodgy Dave was the Director-General of the Department.

Guess who the Minister for Main Roads was at the time the non-tender contracts worth more than a million bucks were gifted to Dodgy Dave’s wife’s company?

Mark Bailey.

The stink wafting through the windows over here in the Bung’s bloody awful. It smells like rotting mullet left out in the son, and I’m worried its gunna seep into my favourite Chinese Democracy tour t-shirt and wreck it. A democracy that pongs is no bloody good, so I’m going to nip down to Bunger RSL for a steak sanger and a couple of quick pink lemonades with Kevvy and hope it blows away.

Have a think about what I’ve just told you while I’m gone, and I will fill you in on some more of the details when I get back.