Oh sorry Melissa. I forgot to send you my press credentials.

Would you forward them onto Whimpey Dave for me please luv, just in case he doesn’t understand how good gonzo journalists often write in the first person of an adopted and exaggerated character, and quite grasp the underpinning truth of satire.

Or just maybe in case he thinks I’m a halfwit, and doesn’t realise that I start my stories from the end, not the start.

Happy punting luv.

I sincerely hope that the Gods of Good Fortune in Photo Finishes shine upon you with kindness and favor, now and for all time.

Just take one tip: keep away from Bet Fairy’s with Fairy Big Secrets to hide.

You might not get the big house on the water, but it’s better than getting banged up in a big house with big bars.

Don’t you worry about that.