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Comment: We will do whatever it takes to prevent Archie Butterfly from accessing information and embarrassing us. We have already banned the bastard from becoming a member, now we’ll really f*ck the bastard.

(Editors note: Dream on)

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Look we really haven’t got a clue about horses. They’re not really out thing.

We do however pride ourselves on turning our tracks out in the best order. Just look at Eagle Farm for example. It looks just like Main Beach at Surfers Paradise, and heaps of punters risk their lives in the rips there.

We are totally committed to making our tracks look pretty on pretty on TV because we know that gorgeously appointed courses are what attracts Bet Fairy customers and entices them to place lots of high value affiliate commission earning wagers. That’s why we carry on so much about the flowers at Doomben, and if some uncultured, uncouth apes claim that our floral displays look like funeral wreaths then obviously the ingrates must simply be related to Archie Butterfly.

In relation to the question about strategic plans to attract high quality horses to race at Doomben in sweltering 40 degree summer off-season heat, of course we have one! We have titled it Junkets, Junkets and More Junkets, and we sent our star new recruit the previously disqualified Matt Rudolph and a couple of Directors on an all-expenses paid trip to Randwick just a couple of weeks ago so they could watch their friend’s horse Cellargirl run in the Flight Stakes on Epsom Day.

We’re going to get those Spring Carnival horses to Brisbane for the Summer Series even if it means that they are going to have to stay in work for 6 months or more. Why, Chris Waller has already committed to bringing Wine Tales up for a Class 3, and there will be plenty more high quality thoroughbreds with less than 10% winning strike rates coming up with him too, don’t you worry about that.

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It wasn’t our fault, we had nothing to do with it. We are going to de-risk this track resurfacing and make it gooder and gooder and the goodest and there won’t be any more mates based rorts, oh no there won’t. Wayne ‘The Poo’ Innes or Solomon or Imnes or whatever is name is these days will not be getting a contract that’s for sure. He’ll be in jail by then, and we do not let contacts to jailbirds, never ever. Only potential jail birds.

This time around there will be no peat moss whatsoever in the sand, only clay and sediment with peat loam in it. Sandy loam they call it apparently. It’s good stuff, real good stuff, almost as soil for growing turf in, we think.

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Well wi-fi is cool, and a number of our senior managers enjoy using it to watch porn, but gee it’s expensive and it’s really hard to organise. That’s why Maccas and the libraries and just about the entire world has it, because they are not fiscally prudent like us and prefer to just go ahead and do things rather than set up working groups and project management meetings and send decisions on new technologies like wireless internet to Board sub-committees like we do,

We are strongly considering introducing wi-fi for out midweek meetings where there no racegoers present however. It’s cheap, and no-one will know or complain if we f*ck up because empty seats don’t talk. I can assure you however that all office based staff of the BRC have access to wi-fi and that they say its really good, although my personal opinion is that the quality of the mud wrestling broadcasts could be improved.

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These are difficult questions, the answers to which may cast us in a bad light, so rather than answer them we will just spin you a whole load of buck-shoving bullsh*t. I’m sure you won’t mind too much, we’ve been doing it to you for years.

Essentially none of this was our fault, not a single thing. It was all Racing Queensland, they’re just bastard who led us down the garden path and hung us out to dry. Cheap kikuyu grass seed sown in the wrong sand just does not work. The Kensington track debacle at Rosehill in Sydney showed us all that.

There is an interjection from a member of the gathered throng of three.

“Yes Sir, you have a question? You’re not related to that Archie Butterfly are you? No? Then go ahead, fire away!”

“What’s that? The Kensington track was at Randwick? Are you sure? And Peter V’Landys declared that the grass was crap and totally unsuitable just 8 weeks after construction on Eagle Farm began? Who is this V’Landys character and what would he know about racing? He’s the most successful racing CEO in the nation? The architect of the Champions series and the Everest? Why didn’t my star recruit Matt Rudolph tell me that? Because V’Landys sacked him? Oh. Why? Cobalt? What’s that? Is it something in Sandy Loam? No? It’s in fertiliser? Cool, we dumped 21 tonnes of that stuff on Eagle Farm last year, just a few weeks before we had to shut the whole joint down.”

“Next question!”

Excuse me Mr Bell, it’s the insurance issue. You glossed over it and said that RQ was the funder and it was up to them to lodge an insurance claim, and that they haven’t. But what about the millions of dollars in revenue our club lost because the tracks were closed down? Have we made a claim for compensation, or sued Evergreen, RQ or anyone else for damages? If not why not?

“I’m sorry, we’re out of time. I have a plane to catch to Singapore. Meeting closed.”

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