There are three absolute lay down misere certainties on Melbourne Cup Day this year.

1: Archie Butterfly will not be invited to spend the afternoon quaffing free posh nosh and guzzling gratis grog in the BRC Directors Room.

2: The once a year racegoers heading out to the track to enjoy the Cup in style and an eventual stupor won’t be getting blacked out at Eagle Farm this year.

3: The punters who head out to the high-priced tents at the Vegas track won’t get a drink until well after correct weight is declared by stewards in the 3rd race on the Cup Day program at Flemington.

The reason for the first good thing is self evident. Its because the Chairman and Vice-Chairman of the club are ego-bruised, petulant pansies who can give it by going the legal ‘we’re going to crush you by taking your house, ruining you financially and eating your babies’ routine, but can’t take it when their intended victim start throwing hay makers back.

What would you really expect of blokes who in middle and late age still wear there old school ties and sleep with their teddy bears, a bit of ticker or a whole lotta toy throwing and tantrums? Wake up to yourself d*ckheads, we live a democracy, freedom of speech is every bugger’s fundamental right as a citizen of the Wide Brown Land, and sledging is part of the great Australian way of life.

It only hurts when its true doesn’t it Sportsfans? Remember Steve Waugh sledging Herschelle Gibbs in the ’99 ICB One Day championship by telling him (quite correctly, as it turned out) “You’ve just dropped the World Cup”?

So it’s easy to see why the churlish schoolboys posing as full-grown men in ill-fitting badly-cut suits are so upset at Archie. But just what is it they all have to hide?

The second tip’s a certainty too – racegoers will NOT be blacked out at Eagle Farm this year, but that’s only because the Cup Day races in Vegas are being held at Doomben. Only camels can race at Eagle Farm on the sand track at the moment, and it will almost certainly remain that way for the next 7 or 8 months at least.

Will the hapless hand in the tillers black Doomben out in another non-thriller in 2017? Who knows? These snippers, slippers and schemers could screw anything up, and the best price you can get right now about the near-sold out meeting proceeding smoothly is six to four on, or$1.75 in the old parlance.

Those wanting to couple a trouble free Doomben on Cup Day into Eagle Farm hosting the 2018 Winter Carnival long range double will have to take the shorts though, because the best price the bookies are offering about the Farm being back in action by Fred Best Classic Day in the first week of May is $1.10, or tens on.

My tip in the final leg of the treble is bird as well, and a bloody ridiculously stupid one to boot. Due to daylight saving time the first race at Flemington on Cup Day – the two year old – always jumps at 9.30am, and the next two go at 10.10 and 11.00 respectively. Yet the marquess and tents and function bars at Doomben won’t open until 11.30, by which time the field for the 4th race in Melbourne the Lavazza will be making their way around the track and preparing to load into the barrier.

What’s the logic behind this unbelievably stupid piece of premium priced premier race day programming ill-logic?

Because people don’t want to bet on the early races at Flemington?

I don’t think so. The UBET combined win pool hold on the tote for the first 3 races in Melbourne last year was half a million bucks, as much as the total win pool hold for the first 7 races in Brisbane put together, and more than triple that of the first three run at Eagle Farm before the lights went out (at the track at least: they’ve been out in the Committee Room and the CEO’s office for quite some time now).

Because the club is practicing the Responsible Service of Alcohol?

Pull the other one. The pubs – including the BRC owned Gallopers Club right next door – open at 10.00 am. And if you can’t find at least 2 dozen drunken revelers passed out on the lawn, in gardens or on benches at Doomben throughout the day you name must be Steven I.C. Wonder.

At least you can get a drink before the first race in Gladstone on Cup Day.

Because the functions scheduling has been built around the Brisbane race program?

That would be stupid even if it were true, given that the UBET tote hold on the 1st at Eagle Farm on Cup Day last year was a miserable $30 000, a fifth of the $150 000 that punters bet on the nose in the 1st at Flemington.

It’s not true though, because the first in Brisbane last year jumped at 10.52 – about 40 minutes before the function areas opened and started serving refreshments to the thirsty throngs of sportsfans – and the field for the second flew from the barriers at 11.32, just 2 minutes after the doors to the marquees opened and punters started queuing up for an ice cold diet coke.

Because the CEO and Chairman of the BRC are bloody idiots?

Bingo!

Now you’ve nailed the trifecta let me give you a fourth certain tip so that you can snaffle the First Four as well.

Remember that blackout last year? Remember how pissed off everyone who paid top dollar for tickets was? Remember how a whole lot of them approached the BRC for full or partial refunds based on the fact that by blacking out the track between 1pm and 2.50pm the BRC had breached its contract to provide a full day of uninterrupted racing entertainment and punting pleasure? Trust me, these things all happened.

One group of disgruntled racegoers at Eagle Farm were treated differently to all the other punters on the course though, because they received a 2 hour extension to their drink package that no other person or group were offered or able to access.

That group of suddenly happy again punters with the good fortune of 2 extra hours free piss included my old drinking buddy Nina, who I bumped into this afternoon in the Waterloo Hotel at Newstead next to Clip Clop’s old Watpac Castle. They were the lucky folk sitting in the Birdcage function area.

Do you remember who was seated at the table next to Nina, and tried to flog her the Bet Fairy app to punt with? Whimpey Dave and his wife. And all their mates were seated at the same table, no doubt by virtue of complimentary tickets arranged by their business partner and friend.

That tip’s a moral sportsfans, and should attract an urgent steward’s inquiry into the running and handling of the race.

Why should the CEO of the Brisbane Racing Club and his party be granted an extension of two hours on their complimentary beer, wine, champagne and spirits beverage package when the punters who weren’t in the Birdcage area didn’t?

Why did the CEO David Whimpey authorise this decision and provide he, his wife and their mates with something most other people at the course didn’t get?

Wasn’t this a massive conflict of interest and gross misuse of his position by the CEO for personal gain?

Why does Whimpey Dave still have a job at all?