arthur.jpg

Burdekin

From 1950 to 1969 this seat was held by an Independent from Ayr named Arthur Coburn, a school teacher, regional official of the Qld Teachers Union, master of the local Masonic lodge, member of the Order of Odd Fellows (which was apt), fierce advocate for temperance and the abolition of demon drink, Chairman of the local hospital board, and a staunch Methodist who was fond of Eisteddfods.

In the years since his retirement and subsequent death in 1969 (never retire, it’s dangerous for your health) the seat of Burdekin has been held by MP’s from the right-side of the political spectrum for all but the one term – the landslide of 2001-2004 that ended the hapless former motel owner Rob Borbidge’s political career, 21 years too late – when it was won by Labor’s Steve Rogers, a clown I used to work with and regard as a hundred percent gold-plated f*ckwit and a devious sh*thouse rat to boot.

All that’s just ephemera.

The sitting member and former copper Dale Last bolts in.

Burleigh

By all reports the local ALP branch members are frustrated and upset that Labor head office appears to have given up on this seat, and refuses to allocate any more than the most meagre of resources to the local electorate campaign team.

You have to admire the true believers don’t you? They pick and stick. Unfortunately though it renders them blind, because the minute Labor once again selected Gail Hislop, the transplanted Mexican HR consultant who has run in everything but the Melbourne Cup, and the Stawell Gift – where she was a late scratching after twisting her knee falling over her mouse-like clown of a 2015 campaign manager The Defamator – to contest this race it was obvious that they knew the seat was a lost cause and were running dead.

Election Parties

The seat is presently held by a right-winger of the Tea Party variety named Michael Hart, who claims to be inspired by the dictum that “good government needs to ensure the population is secure from interference from the actions of others” so much that he declares “if a government just does that one thing, I believe it succeeds.”

If I didn’t abide my father’s dictum of not arguing with idiots I might well catch the Geebung-Robina express train down to the Goldie and have a Hart to Hart chat with the red faced fat fool to explain that by voting the term before last to sell the State assets that I’m a shareholder in his party were interfering with me and a whole lot of others, but I doubt that the grandiose idiot would understand the logic.

The only other candidate is the Green’s Peter Burgoyne, who has a famous namesake in the AFL (below) but is himself only going around for practice.

Hart would win this one in a coffin, and will.

burgs.jpg

Burnett

This seat has been held by Labor just 3 times in its 157 year history, and for just 9 of those years. They won’t be adding to that meagre tally this year.

Stephen Bennett is a f*cking idiot, and a suck-arsed stooge of the mining industry to boot, but he is such a certainty to get re-elected that Labor haven’t even bothered throwing a few bucks at their local candidate, boilermaker Lee Harvey (right, below) – his nickname just has to be Shooter doesn’t it? – to buy a few campaign t-shirts.

burgsss.jpg

Cairns

This is a f*cking ripper of a contest.

The sitting member Rob Pyne is hands down the best electorate representative in the whole House of Broken Dreams, and the best parliamentarian as well.

People misjudge Pyne very, very badly. Their eyes see him sitting in a wheelchair and the prejudice switch in their brain automatically turns to ‘Spastic’, and they immediately start treating him like one. It’s a terrible mistake, and a cathode ray lit example of the ingrained discrimination faced by folk like Pyne and like me and countless others who have disabilities that render us with different needs from the average Johannes, but don’t render us either weak or stupid.

A lot of folk don’t know that Rob Pyne was a very promising footballer when at 23 he dived off the back of a tinny skylarking while out fishing with his mates and landed head first on an unseen coral reef, and his strength to fight back from that horribly unfortunate accident is a hallmark of the blokes guts and courage.

If you reckon that I admire Pyne greatly you are a 100% right. He’s a brilliant local member, and in the very near past when the then Mayor of Ipswich was the most popular pollie in the State the Member for Cairns was the only person in the whole House of Broken Dreams with the ticker to stand up and say that Paul Pisasale was a crook. He copped an absolute hammering for it too, particularly from Labor, but history has proven just how spot on Pyne actually was.

I reckon it’s because he had real good information that emanated from the waterholes of the Geebung RSL, but I’m just a disabled spastic so what would I know?

The LNP has put up Sam Marino, the owner of the local Loot Homewares and former President of the Cairns Chamber of Commerce, against Pyne. He’s preferencing One Nation, which doesn’t say much for either him or Tim Nicholls, but it’s unlikely the Redhead’s rabble are going to attract too many votes and Rob Pyne gets the 3rd preferences which means means he nabs them all.

Labor have put up his former internal party rival Michael Healy, a reef tourism operator, as their candidate in the hope of peeling votes off their former man in Cairns Pyne – who party power brokers hate like poison –  but it’s wishful thinking, particularly when the imbeciles running the ALP’s campaign send The Beefcake – Housing and Sport Minister Mick De Brenni, the bloke who Pyne accused of threatening to assault him with a cricket bat – up north to ‘boost’ Healy’s campaign.

richies.jpg

These party ‘strategists’ are out of touch morons who spend their whole lives swanning around the inner-city Brisbane cafe latte set pretending that they are important, and as a result have no idea about the depth of disdain the people of Cairns hold for Brisbane based party heavyweights, and in particular fail to understand the affront caused up north by the wheelchair bound Pyne’s public assertions about the “I’m going to bash you with a bat” affair.

In these heady Harvey Weinstein/Kevin Spacey/That comedian bloke I’ve never heard of/Countless others in positions of power in the entertainment industry days it’s probably not the best of looks for a bloke who’s a live chance of one day becoming Premier to be photographed with a local Councilor who in his not so distant days as a an official of the Rail, Tram and Bus Union was widely reported by extremely reputable sources to be a serial harasser of young female staff working in the union office either.

richie.jpg

The bloke I’m talking about is Richie Bates, the fellow on the right in the picture above that Beefcake De Brenni has his arm around, and I know for a fact that he is a harasser of women because at least three of his young victims have told me about their experiences at his hands, so I sincerely hope that when Pyne is re-elected in a canter he outs the prick.

There is no place in society for men who use or attempt to use imbalances of power to take advantage of women, none at all.

There is a place for gutsy, principled politicians like Pyne though, and that place is in Parliament.

He’ll be there, and the $3.50 that Sportsbet are betting is the greatest overs the world has seen since that Easter Saturday 2000 years ago when the SP Bookies in the Temple bet $2.80 about a carpenter being resurrected before the sun set on Sunday.

Get on.

Callide

The former sinecure of Queensland’s finest connoisseur of trough snouting – Can Do Campbell’s former Deputy Premier Jeff Seeney – is traditionally one of the safest LNP seats in the State, and has been held by the LNP (well the National Party actually) since 1950, with the exception of the period 1981-86 after the sitting member Lindsay Hartwig had a massive blue with National Party president Sir Robert Sparkes and was expelled by the party.

Labor’s candidate in the seat is a coal miner; One Nation’s is a camp drafting nimby who hates coal seam gas because it is mined in her back yard, but loves coal fired power stations because they’re not; the Greens are running a farm boy turned hippy;  and KAP’s candidate is a dairy farmer and local councilor.

On top of this there’s the usual self-deluded independent candidate, in this case a highway side local produce seller who is attached to a mob called Australians For Genuine Change in Government that obviously doesn’t quite know what the best alternative is because they don’t have any policies.

apolicy.jpg

I can suggest one.

Give up and spend your time doing something more useful, like counting cows or spotting trains.

Sportsbet have this one at $1.49 LNP and $2.50 One Nation, but without Labor preferences I don’t assess Pauline’s mob as having any hope, and am confident that Seeney’s replacement Colin Boyce, a grazier and former Banana Shire Councillor, will win this one by the length of the straight.

Earn your self 20 years worth of bank interest and load up on the $1.49 is my advice.

Tally: LNP 9 – ALP 4 – Independent 1 – Undecided 1