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We f*cked around and f*cked around and now we are four months behind the timetable set by Dale Monteith to get the track going again and are no hope of making up the ground, so we’ve given up and decided to watch movies on the big screen instead.

What’s that? Phar Lap, Sea Biscuit, War Horse, Gallipoli, The Black Stallion, The Cup? What are those movies about? Horses? Nah bugger that. We’ve got Santa!

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We talked to pretty much the same bunch of bozos who stuffed the farm up the first two times and we decided it was too hot to think about grass so we all went up to the Directors Room and got pissed on sponsor contra instead.

Because we were busy representing the Club at race meetings all over the globe including Hong Kong, Singapore and Tokyo – anywhere Nifty has a slice of a horse pretty much – he did Sweet Fanny Adams about fixing the track and now we couldn’t get it right if we tried so we’ve adopted the Bart Simpson approach (above), and the experts (pictured below) all agree.

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ET is one of those genius’s who is so off the planet smart that the common man from Geebung like me can’t keep up with him.

I can’t work out how not having a race track and not holding races on the Eagle Farm course is the right one for owners, trainers, jockeys, stable staff, bookmakers, bar staff, employees of the club, punters, the racing industry as a whole and the lady who sells race books out of the little wooden box, but that’s because I’m not a doctor.

Come to think of it Eliot Forbes isn’t either. That must be why he describes not buying a single grain of sand, pebble of gravel, blade of grass, bag of fertiliser or any other expensive damn thing a race course needs as ‘best practice.

The obvious question of course is where exactly doing absolutely nothing when you have your main racetrack sitting alone, idle and damaged is regarded as best practice? Yemen? The Shetland Isles? Latvia? St Kitt’s?

I’m confused – ET is just so smart. That’s why he got Whimpey Dave to hire three of the titty girls from his soft porn live show stable to old a hose for an hour and drench the home straight until it turned to mud, and then got all experts to jump in and slide around and extensively test the sand.

A couple of the office staff mistook the mud for hay four hours into the sponsors contra grog at the Christmas Party and decided to go for a private nude roll in it. These sexperts reported back to the group that the quality of the cushioning was world class and second to none, although given that it sort of sounded like “thisshhh artificial beach – burp! excushhh me – that yewse big boss f*ckers built ish da bomb to root on”, the jury is out in regard to the sobriety of the proclaimer and the extent of his knowledge of the many qualities and endearing characteristics of wet sand.

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Nifty’s provided certainty.

The certainty that he will go down in history as the man who blew the Eagle Farm track Sky Heights and like all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put Farmy back together again.

The certainty that no horses will grace the surface (oops, I almost said grass) until Santa comes again next year.

The certainty that the Project Control Group – which still seems to have a lot of familiar names on its books – are merely clowns in charge of a wider circus, and that they will f*ck the track up yet again, this time maybe for good.

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Dale Monteith’s been given an ongoing and no doubt highly lucrative consultancy or project gig and is doing very nicely thank you very much.

No wonder he went so soft on the clowns at RQ and the BRC who f*cked the track up: the bastards are now his bosses and paymasters!

Talk about a conflict of f*cking interest!

Why was Monteith employed as a grass specialist anyway? His academic qualifications consist solely of a business degree – if he finished it, that is; it’s not clear – and he has no formal or professional qualifications in turf, grass, construction, engineering or horticulture whatsoever or at all.

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Here’s the even bigger burning question, and it comes in three parts.

(1) Why did the BRC at no stage prior to the appointment of Dale Monteith to the role of ‘independent’ reviewer of the failed track declare that it intended to enter into contracts with Monteith to perform work for the club that extends well beyond his original remit?

(2) Was this contract for Monteith’s post-review work for the BRC ever advertised or tendered? If so, when and where? If not, why not?

(3) Was the original contract for the well paid track review consultancy ever advertised or tendered? If so, when and where? If not, why not?

(4) What selection process was used to select Dale Monteith as the successful bidder? Who made the decision, and under what authority? Was the recommendation to engage Monteith put before the BRC board for ratificaton? If yes, when? If no, why not?

(5)  We know that Dale Monteith is extremely competent, and that between August and November 2014 he was contracted to Tasmanian Racing to head that State’s Racing Industry Review and chair the working group that powered the review.

But why were Queensland racing industry folk and taxpayers not told that Monteith and Forbes formed a social friendship during this time, and remain friendly outside of work?

(6) Do either Forbes or Monteith realise that the failure to publicly declare the pair’s relationship casts huge grey questions over the veracity of the latter’s report into the Eagle Farm track debacle, in particular in relation to the culpability of RQ and/or Monteith’s mate Eliot Forbes for the massive failures of leadership, planning and execution that rendered the track totally rooted 9 months ago and made the State’s industry the laughing stock of Australian racing?

(7) Why was Dale Monteith’s long professional and personal relationship with Mary Bell during their time together in Victorian Racing not disclosed prior to him being awarded the lucrative consultancy role, and why was his social friendship with both Mary Bell and her husband the BRC Chairman not also registered and revealed?

(8) Does either Bell or Monteith appreciate how bad a look this is, and understand the immediately growing doubts about how independent his report into Eagle Farm’s problems really was particularly given that, as was the case with Forbes, Nifty Nev and his hand maiden Whimpey Dave escaped any criticism whatsoever by Monteith in his report?