We’re all hoping that its Groundhog day for Baby You Can Drive My Kah and the Tornado’s favorite steed all over again today sportsfans …. all over again today …. all over again
Here we go again, another Christmas internet provider overload and Boom! The corporate bookies sites and the form guide and Dynamic Odds and internet banking go down, and the computer screen goes blank and all of a sudden your humble correspondent is spotted by twenty witnesses making the mad 80’s dash to the TAB, and I get there just in time to get Boomwa beaten but fortunately back it each way so we’re still in the Saturday afternoon game of chance, for a few more races at least.
Malcolm Turnbull and Kev the Rat Rudd and their f*cking lightning fast national broadband network hey? What a bloody cracker that is. You Cantbuybetter than the NBN they said, just like Peter Foster once told overweight middle aged unhappy house wives that that they could look and pull like Cindy Crawford too, and all they had to do to make it happen was buy a few cartons of his sixty bucks a box of ten super slim teabags, whack them in a pot of hot water and chuck em down their throat.
You Cantbutbetter than these hugely overpriced boxes of tea Peter the Great (conman) declared, and tens of thousands of brain dead, valium addicted depressants followed his lead and felt better for it too, even if the half dozen cream buns they’d scoffed while waiting for the postman to bring them Pete’s magic potion did act as a stopper to the Lipton re-branded as super duper slimming tea from working to maximum efficiency.
Ben Currie reckons you Cantbuybetter than his favorite horse of the same name that lining up in the race named after him – The Bernborough Handicap, aka the Toowoomba Tornado Gift – in about 2 and a bit hours at Doomben.
He’s dead set brimming with confidence in a way that I’ve never see young Mr Currie brim before during our short roller coasting relationship, and this sudden certain confidence has clearly flowed through in everything the Tornado does and doesn’t do, so much so that the young rambler from the range is running around telling my missus that today he’s going to train the goddamn card, or would if he had a runner in every race anyway.
I won’t bore you by taking you through the credentials of the Tornado’s horses one by one because they’re all going to win, so your time would be much better spent on devising staking systems and setting up bank accounts in the Bahamas ready to store the glimmering stuff in the rivers of gold that as sure as night follows day will be flowing your way by close of business this evening.
Or at least that’s what the Tornado reckons and his confidence is absolutely undaunted by the fact that the first of his gazillion winners today, the former boom 2-year-old turned professional non-winner Boomwa actually ran second in the first of the day in Vegas, because he tipped us to it each way and it paid 5-2 the place, and no amount of argument or evidence proving that silver just ain’t gold can convince the dashing young stud from the Downs otherwise.
Just as no number of references to a form guide can convince our Mr Currie the leading trainer who hasn’t quite yet got the hang of killing ’em at Kilcoy that there are a few gaps in the consistency in higher class races form of his favourite horse Cantbuybetter, which in the labyrinth-like chambers of Benjamin’s over active mind and imagination is not a talented but up and down type of pony from out past Helidon as we all mistakenly believed, but rather a reddish colored gelding sporting the Dave Davis silks with Jim Pike behind the steering wheel as it steps out on to the only grassy track in Vegas for its big acid test in the Bernborough this arvo.
The Tornado is dead set absolutely raving about the prospects of Cantbuybetter and is openly declaring to his favorite racing writer (moi) that it is without a single shred of doubt the best horse racing in Queensland right now, and probably the best in the whole Wide Brown Land as well, and will take his rivals to town by comprehensively braining them in the big mile run today.
It’s a hell of a spruik isn’t it, and no amount of name dropping engenders a single grain of doubt in the Tornado’s rock solid and non-negotiable one-eyed entrance mind.
Most Important? Got it totally covered.
Ef Troop? Flash in the pan, come back and talk to me when its won nine races like mine.
Crack Me Up? Cantbuybetter could cede it ten kilo’s in the handicaps and still give it a cold as it swept by in the straight.
Do you see what I mean? The Tornado’s got the rose tinted’s on every time he talks about this one and his view’s are not for the changing. And who am I to say that the young bloke’s wrong? After all we’re all entitled to dream, and to dream as big as we like, and what type of hold hearted bastard would break a bloke’s open so hard that he smashes it into little pieces by even suggesting that Gai’s interstate visitor with the porn star name Cabaza De Vaca – if she looks anything like one of bookie Errol Flynn’s cute clerks I sure bloody do! – might have the better of him on weights, ratings, prizemoney earned and exposed form?
Not this little black Bunger duck that’s for sure, so if the Tornado wants to convince himself that Cantbuybetter is going to bolt in today and then go on to win an Epsom, a Donnie, the Emirates, a Cox Plate or two, and a trio of Toowoomba Cups (he forgot to mention the first up win in the Lightning and then the Oakleigh/Newmarket triple crown all in course record time, but perhaps he’s just being a realist) then who the hell am I to say he can’t?
Nobody that’s who.
And just like me he’s perfect.
The Tornado on the other hand is simply the best young trainer in Queensland and – with the possible exception of the unmatchably well bred, fed and watered James Cummings, an apple to Ben’s orange – quite possibly the most promising trainer wheel wearing training tyro in the whole wide sunburnt land.
So what would he bloody know about horses?
You can take his tip and chuck your leftover Christmas cash stash on the Tornado’s future Toowoomba Cup Winner Cantbuybetter in the get out stakes later if you like and now that I’ve knocked off my entire bank for the day and won’t (can’t) be having a bet in the race I wish you all the nest of brilliant Betoota luck with your speculative investment based on Benjamin’s thoughts, but be warned sportsfans that trainers are even worse tipsters than the leg puller working the bars selling the top six in the market to six different suckers so its buyer beware!
I hope the Tornado’s read it 100% right though because snipping Sir Benjamin about an hour into the victory celebrations at the Hammo this evening is my only bloody hope of landing a Saturday night sherbert. It’s Cantbuybetter or the drought for Archie Butterfly, that’s the only real certainty of the day.
So pull the whip Baby You Can Drive My Car and go Tornado you bloody good thing!
Then I’ll have a Johnny Walker Blue.
And mate, put away that pissy little glass and pass the bottle will you? You’ve just won the Toowoomba Tornado Handicap!
Let’s have ourselves a little party shall we?
Over here supermodel twins!
My cashed up mate the Tornado’s just snuck down from Toowoomba for the night and he’s shouting!