Racing Queensland noted the decision made to suspend Grant Dixon’s licenses?

Didn’t we all?


The integrity of racing is paramount to its success for both participants and customers and to maintain public confidence in the sport?

No sh*t Sherlock.

But who are these customers?

The 27 people who go to the trots at Albion Park on a Saturday night?

They don’t pay any entry fee, and therefore are not buying any goods or services, so it can’t be them.

The punters wagering their hard earned on red hot races in which individuals like Grant Dixon or teams like those about to be exposed in the upcoming criminal match-fixing trial deliberately manipulate the results of races?

Those crazy brave or stupid punters betting on the boat races aren’t customers of Racing Queensland, they are customers of the bookmaker or totalisator operator with whom they place their bets. RQ are merely the suppliers of the product to the wagering operator with whom the bets are placed, so it can’t be them either.

Who are they then? Who are these customers?

Please, someone tell me.

Racing Queensland is committed to working with participants to ensure the long-term future of the industry?

Well thank God for that!

You’d hate to think that the government body established to administer the three codes of racing would be working with participants to destroy the industry wouldn’t you?

Or working against them to do the same thing?

I must say however that working against harness racing participants such as the Dixons, Grahams, Neilsons, Hunters, Dobsons and McMullens of the world would seem a strategy much more likely to ensure the industry’s success than working with them, because the only way these people work is the red hot way, and getting into bed with crooks doesn’t seem a likely winning idea to me.

I am glad that RQ are still keen to make sure the trots kick on as an industry though.

After all how could the greyhounds and trotters and gallopers race against each other in the soon to be unveiled secret plan for Tri-Code racing that ET and his merry band of executive eggheads are on a mission to make Queensland’s favorite sport?


Yes sportsfans you heard it here first, but only because no-one bothers using RQ’s ridiculously hard to navigate revamped at a cost of plenty website, but it’s there, writ up in bright lights.

ET has a vision to connect people through the thrill of racing and a mission to make it more popular than Rugby League up here in the Sunshine State.

Now we all know that greyhound racing and harness racing and the gallops are three different sports just like AFL, Rugby Union and League are three different codes of footy, and that each of the three codes standing alone have been struggling to keep up with the popularity of footy since at least 1981 when the State of Origin series was born.

So it’s an excellent idea to combine them into a single sport if your mission is to make it Queensland’s most popular, although achieving the mission is a bit of a long shot in my view and isn’t exactly the target I would have set myself.

But then again I’m not a Doctor, and ET isn’t either, and if we were we’d be working in a medical clinic or running a University wouldn’t we, not hanging around racecourses with decrepit facilities and falling down stands, although maybe ET has a secret private box at all the tracks because I go to race meetings held by the 3 codes all the time and I never see him there.

ET used to run Tasmanian racing though and reckons its great, whereas I just think its crap, and that and about a thousand other things are what divides us.

Now if we are going to combine the dogs and trots and gallops into one we are going to need a joint where we can run the 3 codes as one on the same night, unless ET runs the beasts against each other which would be a little problematic because someone like Trista Dixon might squash the fake bunny on the lure if she is forced by Moses magic powers to cut sharply to the rail when he parts the Sea, and can you imagine the outcry from the RSPCSTA (Royal Society For the Prevention of Cruelty to Soft Toy Animals) or Soft Toy Animals Australia if that happened?

It would be the death of the sport before it even took off. A few of the gallops trainers might have an issue with running their million dollar colts on crushed granite too, and vice versa with the trots people running the Inter Dominion on grass. So we definitely need a real big joint where we can run all three codes at once either racing separately or against each other but on their own individual tracks if we are going to achieve ET’s vision of connecting people through the thrill of the single sport and his mission of making it a ratings and attendance winner.

Who better than to build it for us but the bloke who used to be in charge of the dog trot turf track at Elwick in Tassie?

Cometh the hour, cometh the man, and ET’s not doing much else other than whacking out worthless, inane press releases, and making up stupid mission statements and visions that don’t make sense, and sitting down at Deagon gazing out on the heritage listed grass and wondering if anyone would notice if one night he switched the Sandgate Sir Walter green for a whole lot of Eagle Farm sand.

So the good doctor who’s not might as well show us how to build a dog track so far away inside the gallops course proper that you need a telescope to see them get round the first turn, and chuck in a trot track that you only binoculars for to make it even more attractive to the former footy fans, and maybe if we’re lucky he’ll even build a big statue of himself and put it in front of the Clip Clop Kevin built Whirlwind Wilson stand next to the iconic Grant Dixon Integrity Obelix.

That’ll do the trick. The customers will come flooding in to watch the dogs and trotters and gallopers running around and around and around, and maybe we can throw in some camels and a leopard and three cheetahs as well to attract the ethnic crowd, although if we want the Sheiks to rock up as connected customers every week we might need a couple of falcons and a gazelle as well.

It’ll be an absolute cracker!

So bloody good that within a couple of years the QRL mob will be down on bended knee at ET’s door begging the pretend doctor to let them play the Origin 3 decider in between the Grace Grace the Greatest Racing Minister In Exile Cheetahs and Camels Spot and Hump Handicap and the Mirvac Nifty Nev and Whimpey Dave Appreciation C 1- No 1 (Leopards, Greyhounds, Gallopers and Gazelles) 7YO and up Maiden Pace.

Yep sportfans, parceling up part one of THE MISSION will be a piece of piss, which means that ET’s backed the card ‘cos we’ve already nailed part 2 of the plan becoming Australia’s Best Racing Jurisdiction, and have had that one sussed since just after the second World War, although someone will probably have to tell ET because you’d have to know a bit of racing history to realise it and he’s too bloody busy to have his head in turf history books, he’s got far more important things to do.

Like writing press releases.

Wonder what tomorrow’s one will say?



Racing Queensland CEO Dr ET Forbes, who is an extremely busy man, says that the government body that by law has to cop whatever QRIC gives a cheat on the chin supports the other mob who pinch all their funding’s decision in the Grant Dixon case.

Dr Forbes said he wasn’t quite sure what Moses copped cos he was too busy making the newly combined into a single sport codes the most popular sport in the Pineapple Land to bother reading stewards reports, but whatever got dished out was good.

The esteemed doctor of giving dachshunds worm tablets said Racing Queensland was committed to working with Moses and other Match Fixers whose suspensions had expired or who hadn’t been sprung yet to secure the long term future of the harness racing, because the cheetahs slip and slide all over the crushed granite and falcons fly and Clip Clop Kev won’t race his team against camels, and they need to use the trot track for something other than State of Origin training to give the customers a thrill.

Dr Forbes said he was doing a crackerjack job as CEO of Racing Queensland, and so was Whirlwind, and the people of Queensland were bloody lucky to have them because harness racing employs heaps of people if you hire a consultant to hook the books and he was looking after them beautifully.

The man who saved all three codes of racing by combining them into a single sport pointed to the record number* of licensed harness racing drivers as an example of how outstandingly he was managing the joint.

“I’m proud to tell the Greatest Racing Minister Ever – old whats his name – that this year we have a record number* of McMullens, Dawsons, Neilsons, Grahams and Dixons who’ve given up their jobs as spotters for shoplifting teams to become full-time harness race hookers and fixers”

Dr Forbes added that the record number* of drivers – which is 31 – had been slightly reduced due to the coppers arresting a bunch of them and Grant and Trista getting picked on by the stewards, and at the moment actually sat at about 23 if you looked at it from an unexciting actuarial point of view, but said that criminals were innocent until he’d been paid his performance bonus and that numbers aren’t exciting and don’t draw crowds if you don’t treble them so he had and there were now 93, which was an outstanding achievement by him, Whirlwind and the World’s Greatest Racing Minister who used to be Grace but is someone else now whose name he couldn’t recall.

Racing Queensland Chairman Steve ‘Whirlwind’ Wilson who the new stand was named after said he would love to make a comment but he didn’t really know much about racing, and no-one had prepared him any speaking notes.

Whirlwind praised the brilliant new Racing Minister Kate Jones and said she had really nice blonde hair, although he wasn’t that keen on the funny floral dresses and thought they were a bit frumpy.

The Chairman added that he was looking forward to attending a race meeting sometime this year, and that it would likely be the Arc De Triomphe in Paris.