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1. How to do it poorly 2. How to employ Bantams to write drivel so that you can do it even worse 3. How to misuse your media accreditation to make a motza by feeding multi-gazillionaire punters mail 4. How to get away with it 5. How to block blokes who are starting to ask the hard questions from accessing your sh*t site

A. Why was soccer legend Nick Meredith warned off all Australian race tracks for taking a snap of a starting price that had already been broadcast half way around the world, when the Saffer Graham ‘Beatrix’ Potter wanders around the mounting yard taking pictures of the runners parading at tracks all over the State?

B. Is Beatrix really sending the images from the mounting yard direct to Australia’s biggest punter, the mysterious Zeljko Ranogajec?

C. How long has Beatrix worked for Zeljko and the crew that includes my mate and MONA maestro David Walsh?

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Zjelko (right) and David Walsh, creator of the amazing Museum of Old and New Art (MONA), Australia’s contribution to the modern day wonders of the world

D. Who is the Vegas racecaller who has up to a dozen accounts in the names of friends, colleagues, relatives and other with the corporate bookmaker Bet 365?

E. Is it true that he uses these ghost accounts to place bets on red hot tips that he gets from around Australia about horse in races that are red hot from the get go, and how many State and Federal offences is he committing while he’s doing it?

F. Is the Bantam really that stupid that he’s been putting the bets on in the dummy accounts using his work computer, phone and laptop, oblivious to the fact of just how easy it is for QRIC’s computer geeks to trace each site he had ever visited, and see exactly whic account that each bet has been placed in?

G. Eactly which horses and trainers was the Bantam backing, and was it just a coincidence that some of them were involved in events that will star in the courts this year?

H. Does Alberton harness pre-trainer Pat Croghan, a virulent defender of the virtues of his far from lily white friends Grant Dixon and Matthew Neilson, realise that lots of people have been listening top his dulcet tones on telephone call recordings recently, and that his name has been dropped in the tales that Neilson’s been telling out of school in order to save his skin?

I. Why is leading trainer Chris Waller’s glamorous former fashion model wife spending so much time at her BFF’s place lately? Is all well in the House of Winx?

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J. Is James Cummings aware that his wife’s grandfather Eduardo Cojuangco – the coconut tax billionaire who was the only non-military office member of former Phillipines President Ferdinand Marcos inner ‘Rolex 12’ circle – controls a private army of 1000 Israeli trained commandos?

And that Mrs Monica Barrera Cummings is the apple of her grandpa’s eye?

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K. Does Sydney racecaller and Betfairy Friend fan Darren Flindell know this too? If so, is he insane?

L. Is a certain Harness Racing Victoria media manager fully au fait with HRV’s social media policy, and if so why does he choose to so flagrantly ignore it?

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M. Why is that the names N. Torpey and S. Shinn seem to appear on almost every Albion Park or Redcliffe stewards report for races that are the subjects of stories on this site?

N. Will the Victorian Office of the Racing Integrity Commissioner decide to investigate the Greg Sugars/Suspicious Stewards Report affair on his own motion?

O. If Sugar’s 10 different sustained stares left and right during the last 600 metres of a race at Ballarat run at Ballarat on Boxing Day don’t constitute a breach of the ‘thou shalt not look around unduly during races’ rule in harness racing, what does?

P. Why were nominations extended for the meeting at Albion Park next Tuesday on the basis that all races had poor numbers of entries, when the first and last races both had 10 horses nominated in each at the original closing time?

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Q. Who else other than Grant Dixon nominated horses for the program after the original deadline of 10.00 am on Thursday, when Moses was otherwise detained.

R. Why is the control body accepting nominations from the spouse, business partner, and house mate of a disqualified cheat whose crime was advantaging her husband so that he could win a $40 000 Group 2 race anyway?

S. Are the greyhound live baiting convictions and penalties about to be blown apart as many of them finally get to the real courts this year instead of the kangaroo version that found many innocent people guilty and all but ruined their lives?

T. Why have police not acted on the widespread reports we are hearing that a veteran unlicensed racing identity is running around remote rural areas west of Vegas at night terrorising potential witnesses to his upcoming criminal trial/s?

U. And why has the alleged violent offender’s bail not been revoked?

V. Is it true that the life long lover of younger women Archie Butterfly has fallen head over heels in love with Melbourne Cup winning trainer Sheila Laxon? And that Maggie and trainer John Symons have spent their weekend together building 12 foot high fences topped with razor wire at the Geebung border in an attempt to keep the budding couple’s ethereal love affair from blooming?

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I’m struggling to get past the pictures sweetie!

W. Is Steve O’Dea the unluckiest man in Vegas, or did Archie just accidentally put his well known mock on the trainer’s live chances in the Magic Millions by writing about them?

X. How far will Ef Troop win the Millions Classic by, and has Tony Gollan just choked on his cornflakes reading this about him saying it?

Y. Are the smartest SP at the Pinkenba Pub’s market betting odds of 100-1 about the sportsfans seeing any racing action at Eagle Farm in 2018 the biggest unders  seen since Can Do Campbell was put up deep in the sauce in the 2015 Queensland election?

Z. Will Archie Butterfly finally crack a winning Saturday arvo on the punt in 2018? And will he still have his winnings in his kick after an all night gambling extravaganza on the dogs, trots and UK hurdles?