Number 5 – A Day at the Races With Nicky Watson
Now it’s a well-know fact that Kiwi woman are the greatest slappers on earth. It’s been proven by no less an authority than the Durex Sexual Wellbeing Global survey -which questioned 26,000 people in 26 countries about their shagging proclivities – and found that Kiwi sheila’s are the only birds on the face of the planet to have had more sexual partners than their fella’s.
Yep, that’s a fact – Kiwi women on average each bonk 20.4 blokes in their lifetime, which you have to admit is an impressive achievement, and a good reason to zero in on a filly who says fush n’ chips next time you’re on the prowl and boogying on the dancefloor down at Louis Moran’s former favourite watering hole the Brunswick Hotel.
To put it in perspective the global average shag count for a sheila is 7.3, so it’s clear that Kiwi’s are triple the fun. But of course like all averages, there are some up above and some below, and the bird at the top of class has been here, there and everywhere in between. I speak of course of Nicky No Knickers Watson, the classy Kiwi she’ll who was once married to Warriors owner Eric Watson, before she started bonking the motormouth former Manly fullback Matthew Ridge, among – by her own admission – hundreds of others frisky fella’s.
Young knickerless Nicky’s not very well know over this side of the ditch, so the missus asked me to screen a snippet of one of her famous live spoken word performances to give you a little insight into why Kiwi women pull all the blokes.
Number 4 – Cheryl Moana Marie
You can’t go to a hangi in Kiwiland without some bugger pulling out a ukelele and belting out Cheryl Moana Marie, the unofficial national song of New Zealand. As a bloke brought up on Waltzing Matilda and Working Class Man I haven’t got the faintest idea what the All Black fans are on about, but then I don’t eat whitebait either.
Number 3 – The Gumboot Song
Now the missus reckons that thongs are called jandals, so you wouldn’t back any piece of footwear that she tipped you, even if it was entered in a maiden restricted to 7-year-old mares at Taumata whakatangi hangakoauau o tamatea turi pukakapiki maunga horo nuku pokai whenua kitanatahu, the racecourse with the longest name in the world.
So when she starts claiming that Gumboots stolen from the local freezing works – that’s what countries that can’t play cricket call a meatworks: all New Zealanders are conscripted into 12 months National Service in one docking lamb’s tails from the day that they turn 15 – have got it all over Aussie Ugg Boots, you just have to smile and nod, and remember that she grew up with her cousin David Tua, and take it all with a grain of salt, unless you want the greatest hiding of all time.
The mashed-vowelled Missus politely requested that I play this one for you, as she slowly started to smother me with a Paua shell.
Number 2 – The National Anthem
How the hell could you lose a footy game after this? The greatest rendition of any national anthem anywhere, ever. With apologies to Julie Anthony and John Williamson.
If we’re going to beat these All Black bastards someone needs to kidnap Hayley Westenra quick smart.
Number 1 – It’s Business Time
In the Butterfly household it’s taken as a given by the nippers that when Brett and Jerome start to warm up the vocal chords it’s time to dash off to bed, put in the earplugs, and pull the pillow over your head. For the tin lid’s know that the Butterfly’s Brisbane Boudoir is about to start rocking.
When they hear the gentle strains of the Flight of the Conchords ringing out over the ranch, and see the old girl’s meat pies start to glaze over as she stares at old Archie, well , they understand that It’s Business Time. And like folk the whole world over, they know not to try to get between a Kiwi bird averaging 20.4 and a bonk with a bronzed Aussie balladeer from Geebung.
Yes my friends, it’s business time, and when the bead twirler rings the bell, Archie comes a running faster than Julian Savea, and goes in harder than Ma’a Nonu.
Its business, its business time …………….